Masculine Wiles
by otp-is-relative
Summary: It's another Robin Hood mission. This time, they need a male companion to provide a distraction. How does Mal adjust to his new disguise? A/N: This is my first Firefly fanfic. Please read and review! Rated T for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Masculine Wiles

Summary: It's another Robin Hood mission. This time, they need a male companion to provide a distraction. How does Mal adjust to his new disguise?

A/N: This is my first Firefly fanfic. Please read and review!

It was another Robin Hood mission. Rob from the rich, give back to the rightfully-owning poor. This time, though, the treasure weren't coin. It was an artifact of special religious significance on the devout and churchly planet of Toboggan. It had been stolen (well, technically bought) by Senator Gail Wynand, an Alliance high official whose ruthlessness was only exceeded by her love of pomp. The Senator wanted to embed the gold-leaf encrusted crucifix into the ornate front door of her palace so that people could gawk and stare and touch it. To the Senator, it was both a piece of exotica and a demonstration of her power over Rim planets- that she could take their most prized possessions and put them to the most frivolous uses. She'd bought the relic with a combination of exorbitant amounts of coin and equally exorbitant threats. The Mayor of Toboggan had been helpless to refuse.

The problem was, the citizens of Toboggan prized that crucifix, not for its workmanship or its gold, but because it contained a bit of finger-bone from a saint from Earth-that-was. Mal nodded along, not very interested, as Shepherd Book told him all about how the saint, some guy called Francis the Sissy, abandoned his worldly possessions and preached to the people to be nice and gentle-like to the little birdies and the fuzzy-wuzzies. As a youth Mal would've gone wide-eyed and worshipful, but since the War he'd had no use for these kinds of stories.

Still, the people of Toboggan cared enough about the relic that (so the Mayor said) they all donated sizable chunks of their meager income to pay for its safe return. Mal somehow doubted that it was entirely voluntary. More like the Mayor imposed a tax and they didn't have no choice but to pay up. But that wasn't his problem. It was good coin, and the Shepherd seemed to approve of the mission, and Mal had done plenty worse. With the pay from this they could get some real food and per-maybe-haps replace that compression coil that Little Kaylee was always whining about.

Inara came down to the dining area to make herself a cup of tea just as Mal was briefing the rest of the crew on the mission and soliciting ideas. Senator Wynand's security system was above reproach, so it'd have to take a good deal o' pondering to figure out how to get in and steal her precious little treasure.

"Senator Wynand?" she repeated. "Senator Gail Wynand, of the New Manhattan System?"

"That's the one," said Mal, "though I don't see why you're so interested in the next round of petty theft we're tryin' to plan."

"I know her," said Inara. "She's known to all of us in The Guild."

"She's a Companion?" asked Kaylee.

"No. She's a client. One of our most notorious ones."

That caught Jayne's attention. "A client?" he asked. "A woman?"

"Why is she notorious, Inara?" asked Book.

"Well," said Inara, settling herself into a seat, "she contracts with us very often for a male Companion. She's been through most of the male Companions that we have. Every time a young man finishes his training, she contracts him. But she's never satisfied. She gives us an earful after every appointment about how inadequate her experience has been. She often reduces the Companions to tears. It's become something of an initiation rite among our male students to go through her first."

"Hold the phone," said Kaylee. "MALE companions? As in, pretty cultured boys that service girl-folk?" Her pupils dilated comically.

"Yes," said Inara, "though many of them take male clients too. Some of them take only male clients."

"Oooooooh," said Kaylee, melting into a puddle of longing and lust. Jayne looked at her curiously and a trifle lecherously. Simon blanched.

"Why are we talking about this?" asked Mal in his best captain-y voice. "We're here to discuss the plan, not to gossip about the sordid private lives of Senators and their whores."

"Actually," said Wash slowly, "this little bit of intel is giving me an idea."

All eyes turned to Wash.

"Go on," said Mal.

"Well, we haven't exactly been able to come up with tactical ways to breach her security system," said Wash, "despite trying very hard, and harnessing every ounce of our genius brains, but this is the first weakness that I've heard of about this Senator."

"It ain't a weakness!" said Kaylee, stung.

"Hell, I'd think she were weak if she didn't want sexin'," echoed Jayne.

"What I mean is we can use this," continued Wash. "Inara says she's always on the lookout for new male Companions. Well, what if we were to offer a male Companion that she's never even heard of before? A new one that might tickle her fancy? That might distract her, don't you think?"

"Hmmm," said Mal. "Wash, I think you might have something there."

All eyes turned to Simon.

He blinked at them, confused, and then it hit him what they were thinking.

"Oh no," he stuttered. "No no no no no."

"Why not? You look the part more'n the rest of the menfolk on board, I'm sure," said Wash.

"But I, uh, no," said Simon.

Jayne dropped his fork and knife. "I'll do it," he said. "Gettin' paid for gettin' trim? Hell, best deal I ever had." He grinned wolfishly.

"Jayne," said Inara in a half-amused, half-warning tone. "There's more to being a Companion than 'getting trim.' A Companion must be able to provide stimulation for the mind, body, and soul. He or she has to be refined and cultured, with a classical education, able to talk intelligently about a variety of topics, and responsive to the client's needs above all else. Besides," she continued, "I don't think the Senator is your type. She's easily twenty years older than you."

"Ain't got nothin' 'gainst old trim. They know what they're doin'," grumbled Jayne, but he seemed to see the logic in Inara's words. There was no way he could pretend to be all educated and ree-fined in front of a Senator. "Unless she's been un-satisfied with her Companions so far because that fancified go-se cuts into her sexin' time?"

"It's possible, but I don't think we should take that chance," said Inara, a smile in her voice. She turned to Simon. "Simon, really, it's not such an awful experience. I'm sure that with a small amount of coaching, you'll play the part admirably."

"Over my dead body," said Kaylee, coming out of her girl-puddle at last.

"Kaylee, you don't exactly get a say in what the Doc does," said Wash.

"No no no, it's really all right, Kaylee, if you don't want me to do it I won't do it," said Simon, obviously relieved.

"She's got a point. Despite his pasty face and fancy-ass ways, Top Three Percent's still a wanted fugitive," said Mal. "Wash?"

"Over YOUR dead body, sir," said Zoe, clutching her husband's arm too tight. Wash tried not to grin.

"Well, Jayne's out of the question, and the Shepherd is too, obviously, so it looks like we're back where we started," said Mal helplessly.

"Unless…"

Everyone looked around. No one had seen River come into the room.

She emerged from under the table, where she'd been hiding, quiet as a mouse. "Skin plated gold, shiny gleaming through the cracks in certain angles. Does not tarnish. Makes the girl want to see more. Unravel. Fish-bowl soul. Swimming with secrets, fast swimmers, glimmers of swimmers hard to catch."

"River?" said Simon, concerned. Did he need to give her another smoother? River was counting on her fingers and staring into space, with the moon-brained look that so chilled Jayne.

"Plain face, rough features, scars. Fractals of copper underneath. Delicate."

"River, sweetie, can you tell us what you mean in dummy-talk?" asked Kaylee, though Jayne just wished the moon-brain would shut up.

River sighed. "Captain Daddy should do it," she explained. "Also, nice ass."


	2. Chapter 2

Masculine Wiles, Chapter 2

A/N: Thank you for the reviews and follows! I'll likely be posting quite often, since I'm going through NaNoWriMo withdrawal and don't want to face the mountain of editing ahead of me. To be honest, I don't know how this story ends. I'll be figuring it out as I write- let's hope I don't mess it up too badly.

o0o0o0o0o0o

"Captain Daddy should do it," River explained. "Also, nice ass."

Mal became self-conscious about his tight pants. River had no business eyein' him. Then the import of her words hit him.

"What? Me? A whore?" He bust out laughin' in sheer shock.

"Quit usin' that word!" said Kaylee, turning to Inara. Everyone else did, too, worried about how the Companion would react to the notion of Mal layin' with another woman.

Inara's face spread in a mischievous, almost evil grin.

"Thank you for the suggestion, River," she said sweetly. She turned her imperious head toward Zoe. "I'm assuming the rest of you can handle the actual theft while the Captain is indisposed?"

"Hey, now, I didn' agree to nothin'," said Mal, trying not to show how frightened he was.

"As you said, Simon, Jayne, and the Shepherd are out of the question. We will need Wash in the cockpit to make a quick getaway, quite apart from Zoe's understandable reservations. That only leaves you. You would need a great deal of polishing, not to mention a thorough bath-" she delicately wrinkled her nose- "but under my coaching, I am confident that you will play the part adequately enough to distract the Senator. Although you don't even remotely resemble a typical Companion, that might actually work in our favor. You may possess the certain special something that the Senator has found lacking in her previous consorts."

"They don't got workin' man-parts?" asked Jayne, scratchin' his own.

"Jayne!" Kaylee swatted his arm. "They do, right?" she asked Inara, wide-eyed.

Inara sighed. "Mal?"

"There's no way I'm doin' it. Not no way, not no how. And as far as I recall, Inara, I'm the captain here and you ain't a part of this crew. I make the plans. Not you."

"As you say, Captain," said Inara. "I understand that the Senator's home world grows the sweetest, juiciest strawberries in the Verse. What a pity we'll miss the chance to try some."

Kaylee whimpered.

"ALL RIGHT! All right. I'll do it. Gorramit!" Mal threw his hands in the air. It was truly vicious of Inara to use Kaylee's love of fresh fruits in her schemin'. He could never resist Kaylee's big eyes. For some reason, he was annoyed that Inara was so willing to let him lie with the Senator.

"Shiny, Cap'n!" Kaylee trotted over to Mal and kissed him on the cheek.

Inara raised an eyebrow at Mal. "Prepare yourself. We begin your training tomorrow." Her hips acquired an uncustomary swing as she walked back to her shuttle.

"What does she mean by that, I wonder?" asked Wash.

Mal got up and went the opposite way, to his bunk.

"Somethin' about this is downright unsettlin'," muttered Jayne, helping himself to Mal's food.


	3. Chapter 3

Masculine Wiles, Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks for the reviews and follows! I've figured out where I'm taking this. A lot of you are in for a surprise… I'm not sure if you'll be disappointed, but I hope you'll enjoy the story anyway!

o0o0o0o

Mal went to his bunk to flop down headfirst onto his bed, completely confused by this turn of events and wonderin' just what he'd gone and gotten himself into.

It was true, he hadn't had any sexin' in a while, a fact which drew a lot of unsubtle jokes from Wash and a lot of grumblin' from the merc (who seemed to be of the opinion that the Cap'n was so tetchy because he hadn't had any trim in so long that he'd forgotten what it was like), but Mal wasn't like Jayne. Jayne seemed happy enough with the rim whores who cared nothin' for him beyond what was in his pockets. Mal couldn't lay with a woman unless he really liked her- and if he really liked a woman, he wanted to offer her somethin' better than just his scarred-up hide for a night. Saffron had used all manner o' wiles to break down his defenses and make him forget his morals- the girl had a repertoire o' wiles that Inara could only dream of- but that behavior was rare for him.

Sometimes he looked at Wash and Zoe and envied them. What meant more to Mal than just sexin' was the idea of gettin' to hold a body close to him at night and feel safe. He missed those days in the trenches when he an' Zoe would do just that- just holdin' each other, no more, just helpin' each other to forget their fears and remember, for a moment, what they were fightin' for. Wash 'n' Zoe got to do that every night, and get to loud and obnoxious sexin' most nights besides.

Even when Mal thought on Inara with longing or tenderness, he'd push it away, knowin' that she sexed hundreds o' men and women for coin. If he lay with her, he could never be sure if she cared for him, or even if she was enjoyin' the tumble, because she'd built an extensive career around pretendin' to feel things she didn't really feel. He liked her best when she was off kilter, when he could make her flustered enough to forget about her fancy whore trainin' and her wiles and be real for a moment or two.

Now Simon- he agreed with River's assessment. Simon was a boob. Kaylee's feelins had moved beyond a schoolgirl crush, and she actually cared for the man more'n the fancy clothes an' citified mannerisms. She was offerin' him all manner o' sexin'- and all manner o' lovin' too- and all she was askin' for beyond the sexin' was for him to tell her she was pretty once in a while. Simon was crazier than River not to see what a jewel Kaylee was. Mal's thoughts had once upon a time gone in that direction with regard to Kaylee, but he'd squashed those ideas and made himself see her as his meimei instead. He knew he didn't deserve to be with someone as shiny as Kaylee. He knew he was bitter 'n' twisted-up and would probably take she shine right out of her if'n he ever accidentally let a harsh word to her slip past his bitter-burnt lips.

He considered the sacrifice he had to make for this job. How could he lie with someone as thoroughly Alliance-bred as this Senator seemed to be? How could he sully himself by touchin' on someone who lived to mock things that people held sacred?

And what was the meanin' of Inara's smile?

o0o0o0o

Inara walked to her shuttle, full of energy and purpose. She went to her cortex, opened up her contact sheet, and conducted a search for all of the male Companions who had graduated from The Academy in the last twenty years. She'd taken classes with some of them.

Only ten percent of Companions were male. Most people didn't even know that male Companions existed. Elite families heavily disapproved of the career choice for their sons (whom they expected to become high officials or doctors or lawmen), so rich boys had to rebel in order to attend the Academy, which few of them had the guts to do. Rich girls, though, were encouraged to attend the Academy, though some of them never actually joined the Guild and just used their training for personal gain. Many Companions, like Inara, were sent to the Academy at an early age because their families were too poor to feed them. Poor workers tended to keep their sons with them even when money was tight, so most of these students were girls. The Academy was selective about the poor students it accepted, and would cover their costs and send some money back to their families, provided that after graduation they paid off their loans within ten years. Inara had paid off hers in six.

Inara hadn't kept in touch with many of the male Companions she'd known as students, but she knew that they would be pleased to hear from her and would be glad to answer her inquiries about their initiation experiences with Senator Wynand. She imagined the men laughed about their appointment with the Senator now, the way Simon laughed about his weeks of sleepless studying at the MedAcad. Though they had all been scared, and Companions always had the option to reject a client, not a single one had rejected the Senator's appointment. One who didn't go through this initiation was considered to be a coward. Each of them had hoped to be the first one ever to get a good review from her. They also knew that after Senator Wynand, future clients would be a breeze.

Inara knew that Mal would provide a good distraction for the Senator, whether he managed to please her or not, in order to enable the rest of the crew to get the job done. She hadn't told Mal this, for fear of inadvertently dissuading him from taking the job, but she actually approved of the job a great deal. She understood the significance of ceremony and ritual, and how sacred objects conferred pride and piety on the people who revered them. She thought the Senator was repulsive and sadistic. She wanted to see the Senator defeated for once, even in this small way.

But Inara also wanted to see Mal get what he deserved. The Senator would take him down a peg or two. He would begin to understand all that a Companion is called to be. And he would never again call her a whore.


End file.
